Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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