Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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