Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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