i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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