I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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