If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
