I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
