is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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