Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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