just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
