I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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