If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
