my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
