Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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