I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
