Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
