I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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