If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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