i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
