he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
