I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
