So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Randomize
