my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Please don't give away my fajitas
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
