I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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