I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
