Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
