She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
