I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
