I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I love you. Go after that dick
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