i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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