my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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