do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
