maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
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is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
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She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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