On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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