my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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