textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
