whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
