Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I enjoy the company of your penis
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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