The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
