Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
