I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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