My friends, they love my intelligence
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
