I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
