can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize