my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize
