is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
