i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You smell like stripper and shame
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
