i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
