I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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