You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
