He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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