Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
