is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Randomize
