i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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